Breaking Patterns

Do you ever wonder why your heart always gets broken? Ever wonder why you can never find the right man, that every man you’ve been with has disappointed and hurt you?

I’d like you to look back at the type of men you’ve been looking for. Can you spot a pattern?

What was it that attracted you to the last guy that you were with? Maybe there was something quirky about him, or the line of work that he’s in? Or you liked that he didn’t quite “live by the rules”? So what happened in the end? Why did you guys break up?

Do you often wonder why your friends have strong and happy relationships? You might ask yourself, “Why can’t I find the kind of love that they have?”

It could be because you keep looking for the same type of men. You may not know it, you may think “He’s different.” But just how different is he really?

Compare your exes with the men that your friends are with – the ones that are in long term, happy and committed relationships. Study their personalities and their core beliefs between them. Compare how differently they react in times of stress, how they cope with their struggles and how they treat their partners.

Did you find that you were constantly having to make excuses for your ex partner’s behaviour to your friends and family? 

Sometimes people are so eager to find love and want to settle down, that they take what they can get. And then they get hurt again and again.

You could try and break that pattern. Because you know what you’ve settled for in the past HASN’T WORKED OUT FOR YOU.

Try going to different places to meet new people. Try meeting personalities that are different to the ones you’re used to meeting. Try different avenues in the dating world. Trust your friends when they tell you they’ve found the perfect guy for you.

You’d be surprised that some men who do not seem “exciting” or “interesting” at first, may end up being so later on – once they’re comfortable being around YOU.

List the traits that all your ex partners have in common (quite often they might even be perceived as positive traits to you). Memorize them, and remember – you have to break that pattern. If your heart has been broken more than a few times, you should now open your eyes to recognize those patterns straightaway.

You could also re-write a new list of what you are looking for in a man. It’s quite possible that the list you have right now, just isn’t compatible with your personality. 

You can change what you’re looking for in a man, without having to lower your standards. 


You could try and better yourself. Find new hobbies, join a gym or whatever makes you happy. Because when you’re happy, you’ll attract positive people.

We all know that there’s no perfect man out there. Nobody is perfect. Neither are you. But know in your heart what you’re willing to accept in a relationship. Know what you need out of a relationship. Be 100% sure of who you are, what you want and what behaviour you’re willing to accept from a man.

Having lots of excitement, spark and lust for each other at the beginning of a relationship usually lasts during the “honeymoon period”. Once that period subsides, a relationship also needs commitment, love and respect for each other. Your job is to look out for the type of men that can give you just that, way after that honeymoon period.

I did a little google search and found Helen Fisher’s Personality Test. Take the quiz and you might find out the right types of personalities that are more suited to who you are.

Do not keep looking for the same type of men, hoping to get a different result each time. 

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“I’m Not 100% Today”

Say these words out loud. “I’m not 100% today.” Say it out loud until you can hear it ring through your head. And when your husband, wife, friend or family member asks you if you’re ok, you’ll be able to say “I’m not 100% today.”

Sure, we must say positive affirmations over and over again. It’s so important we do that. “I’m beautiful!”, “I’m happy!”, “My life is GREAT!”, “I’m going to beat all my challenges today!”

But you know what? Some days are just SHIT. You’ve woken up with a heavy heart and you don’t know why. You can’t shake it off, you can’t look in the mirror and put a fake smile on to face the world. 

And that’s ok. 

But don’t hide your feelings because they’ll fester for days. Tell someone, as soon as you feel it. Don’t pretend and say “Yeah I’m ok.”, or “I’m fine.” There’s no need for that. Be honest. 

My husband was annoyed a few weeks ago. I kept asking him what was wrong and he kept saying “Everything’s fine.” But I knew he wasn’t. He was quiet and a little tense. A few days later, we had a long talk about how angry he was over a certain issue. “Why didn’t you tell me straight away? Why wait this long, until you’re so angry?”, was my response to him. We’ve talked about it and have decided that we are going to try and voice our unhappiness immediately (but gently of course).

The other day, I woke up feeling unhappy. No reason. I was just unhappy. I knew I was going to be snappy. I was quiet and prickly. 

But I did what I’ve never really done before. I spoke up about my true feelings straight away. We’d already had breakfast and I crawled back into bed. He came into our bedroom and I looked up at him and said, “I’m not 100% today. I don’t know why, but I just am.” 

And he heard me. 

All day, he came up and cuddled me. Kissed me. Hugged me. No words, no questions asked, no solutions offered. Just pure love and affection. And I could feel, within a couple of hours, I was back to my happy self again. 

Because I felt loved. 

Don’t be afraid to say how you feel, don’t try and be brave and say “It’s all ok”. You don’t have to yell it out or scream. You can just say these simple words “I’m not 100% today.” This could be something you could talk to your partner about now, to let them know that when you feel this way sometimes, is to just give much needed attention and affection, or whatever you think will help lift your spirits. 

Head over to my other blog titled #MyRescuePlan for more help with your bad days. 

You Don’t Need to Shut Your 2016 Door

We all have good years and bad years. Some bad days can last not only for a few days, but for some, it can last a few years. Some years, you feel like you’re on top of the world.

A year is but a number in the thousands. We have let many of those years pass us by. A year is simply made up of months, weeks, days, hours and seconds. We must live in the moment. We must live with each moment being the best moment ever.

Love people. Forgive each other. Care and kindness should always be at the forefront of our minds. Teach that to yourself, your friends and your children.

On this 31st of December, 2016, at 11:59:59, take that step into the new year that you can still cherish the good of all the years you’ve had, and turn around all the bad you’ve experienced. We can do that in the very next second.  Because we all want to be happy, we all want good memories.

If we can’t change what is happening around us, we can change our state of mind. 

Let’s ask ourselves everyday:

“What can I do TODAY to show someone I love them?”

“What can I do or let go off – to bring peace into my life?”

“What am I going to do to pursue my own happiness?”

 

I wish you all a very Happy New Year – filled with happiness, strength, courage and compassion!

WE ALL NEED OPPOSITION IN OUR LIVES

WE ALL NEED OPPOSITION IN OUR LIVES.

Without opposition, how else would we then know we are 100% right?

Without opposition, how else can we be sure we’ve explored all other possibilities?

Without opposition, how else would we know that our perspective is the one and only true perspective?

We can all get too comfortable and set in our ways of thinking…. Until someone opposes it. That makes us uneasy, upset or angry, doesn’t it?

But you can challenge it and it doesn’t always have to be viewed as conflict.

We will either know how right we’ve always been, or we can thank that person for opening our eyes.

Believe it or not, it can be a wonderful thing when someone tells you that you’re wrong. Two things can happen – You bring up all the facts you’ve learnt and tell them everything you know about it.

Or you can stop talking… And just listen.

You can choose to either see it as conflict, or you can choose to see it as an opportunity to learn something new.

-Sharon

Christmas Rescue Plan

5 more sleeps til Christmas.

To many, it’s a joyous occasion and they can’t wait to spend the day opening presents with their family and their loved ones. Spending time with people they love and care about, and an opportunity to catch up with people they don’t get to see very often.

To some, it can be a very anxious time of the year. You may feel like you have to spend the day with people that are negative or are quite toxic to you and your family. Maybe some of them have made it very clear to you that they “just don’t like you”. Some of you may feel like you haven’t got a choice, you’ve got to just suck it up and play “happy families” with everyone on this one day that is meant to be happy and joyous. Some of you may have decided that this is the year you’re going to “do our own thing”.

Either way, don’t forget to protect your own sanity, your own safe space in your head. Choose what you want to do on that day, choose to make that decision where you’re not going to let certain people get to you and how you are going to react to those people.

It is not them that is going to affect your version of Christmas Day. It is YOUR reaction that will affect it. Keep calm and enjoy the day the best way you can. Come up with #myrescueplan, think about how you’re going to deal with difficult people – in a positive manner for YOU. Think about it NOW, before Christmas Day, so you don’t react in a negative way at the last minute. Or they will win, by ruining YOUR day. Protect yourself and your family. And find a way to enjoy this day.

 

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#MyRescuePlan

So Adam and I talked about having a “rescue plan”.

I’ve been on and off my meds for a few years. Every time I went off them, I had no real plan to deal with the aftereffects and the withdrawals. I would wait for the side effects to happen and then the meltdowns. I can handle the physical effects (head zaps and wobbles) but the mental ones were really hard. I didn’t know how to cope, and Adam didn’t either.

We talked about it last night, about how to deal with these uncontrollable meltdowns – when my state of mind is all hazy and messy and all over the place. When I’m like that, nothing Adam could say would help me. So I came up with a plan. A “rescue plan”. For days like I had a few days ago.

The plan is for Adam to first recognise the signs. Then this:

Don’t offer solutions
Don’t say only I can fix this
Don’t remind me it’s my depression (because I already know that)
Don’t tell me to “calm down”
Don’t be defensive – It’s not about you

INSTEAD

Be soft with me
Tell me you “get it”, you understand
Let me ramble, even if you don’t know what I’m rambling on about
Hold me tight while I cry
Kiss me
Stroke my hair
Offer to take me out for a meal, just the two of us
Go for a walk with me, hold my hand or put your arm around me
Tell me you love me ❤️

Please remember I’m not telling anyone to go off their meds if it’s working for them. This post is for anyone who ISN’T on their meds. This doesn’t have to be targeted to husbands only. This could be for partners, parents, friends who are here to support you. Come up with your own “rescue plan” and the plans can ALWAYS be changed and altered ❤️

Please please please share 🙏🏼

#myrescueplan #postnataldepression #awareness

Forgiving & Letting Go

Many of us have been mistreated. We’ve been talked down to, verbally abused or gossiped about. You may have realized this person, who you thought was one of your closest friends, have said or done something malicious to deliberately hurt you. Or a family member who didn’t defend or speak up for you when you really needed them to. 

This will usually result in many different reactions from us. Disappointment, a sense of betrayal, anger, hurt and sadness.

When a stranger says something awful to us, we get angry. But the anger doesn’t last very long. Thats because there’s no history, no love, no time and effort spent on that person for the hurt to be strong enough. Most times, we’d get pissed off for a while and then it’s forgotten pretty quickly.

On the other hand, when someone you’ve loved, cared for or even thought highly of – has betrayed you, said something to really hurt or harm you, you’ll find that it’s so much harder to forgive this person.

Why should you forgive that person? You’ve put in so much time and effort into this relationship (friendship, marriage, family etc), and the one you thought would be the last person to hurt you; has betrayed you. This person has broken your trust.

Many think that forgiving someone means you’re weak. Or that you’re accepting bad behaviour. Or that you’re allowing this person to continually hurt you again. And so, you refuse to forgive. You want that person to know that you’re so angry with them that you’ll never forgive them. Ever.

What you may not realize about forgiveness is – that it’s not just about them. It’s about YOU too. Forgiveness and “letting go” – go hand in hand.

Maybe you can’t forgive what this person has done to you just yet. But you could forgive this person because they might’ve had a terrible upbringing as a child. It could simply be because they had the worst day ever that day. Forgive them because maybe they were taught differently or that they might have low self esteem or even a personality disorder. Or… They really didn’t mean to.

That’s not making excuses for them. That’s learning that everyone’s actions come from something they’ve learnt or experienced.

Letting go is just as important. If you find it hard to let go of what happened, you’re choosing to continually be angry and hurt. Of course – you need time to process all those feelings, in fact it’s very important you do so; but at some point – you must let go.

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How do you let go? First, find small reasons to forgive. When you find the smallest reasons to forgive, you’ll see the person as a human being again, just like you are (this can be hard, if you think that person is an animal!). Keep focusing on the small reasons.

“I forgive him because his parents were cruel to him.”

“I forgive her because she used to be bullied at school.”

“I forgive him because he was never taught to care for others.”

“I forgive her because she was never challenged when she was growing up.”

Finding little reasons to forgive, can slowly help soften your anger, and more importantly, you’ll feel compassion. Not just compassion for that person, but compassion for yourself. You’re telling yourself – that by finding reasons to forgive that person, you are caring for your own well being. Otherwise, your anger will consume you and you may end up hurting yourself more than anyone else around you.

Choosing to stay angry is like choosing to carry a backpack full of broken bricks.

Those bricks are broken, and you can’t use them for anything. Yet you choose to carry it on your back everywhere you go and letting it weigh you down.

Forgiving someone doesn’t always mean you should continue to have a relationship with that person. It might actually be better for you if you severed ties completely, or at least distancing yourself from that person. You must always have self worth, you must stand by your own values and beliefs, and show them that you respect yourself enough to not tolerate their bad behaviour.

Forgiving someone means you have chosen to let go.

You have chosen to take the straps off your shoulders, and gently placing that heavy bag of broken bricks down. You will feel lighter and happier within yourself. Because only you are responsible for how you feel and how you react to everyone around you.

I personally, have done this myself. I can’t tell you how liberating and empowering it feels, to no longer feel hatred and anger for people in my life who have hurt me tremendously in the past. Because I came to realize that the anger I had, I carried it all on my own. Making that choice for myself to look for other reasons to forgive those people, made it so much easier for me to let go. But it took a lot of mental work. I worked very hard to forgive these people and let go, because I decided my mental health was much more important. 

This is not something that can be done overnight. You need to feel the anger, hurt and disappointment, process it in your mind, then accept what’s already happened, and knowing you can’t change the past. Only then, you can start to walk on the path of forgiveness.