Christmas for the Elderly

I’ve been taking my kids to the nursing home I work at every Christmas Eve for many years (even before the little ones were born). They hand out chocolates and lollies and wish them all personally a Merry Christmas. It teaches them that Christmas isn’t just about them, or presents or Santa. I’m grateful that my teenagers are still happy to come along to do this together with me.

The elderly absolutely love children, seeing them makes them happy and fills them with joy.

I hope if you have any relatives or friends in a nursing home, spare a thought and maybe if you can, to pop in there personally- give them a big hug, wish them a very Merry Christmas and tell them you love them

 

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You’re Now 17

Dear Miss 17, 

I remind myself everyday how lucky I am to have you. You’re beautiful, kind, smart, funny and so incredibly easy going. 

You put up with every one of us at home, and give in to the demands of a busy working mum and your two little siblings. They look up to you and love you so much. 

While many girls your age are up to no good, you are home with me. Not because I ask you to, but it’s because you want to. 

I love how I can count on you. I love your passion for netball. I love that you’re so sensible. I love that you’re a nerd (seriously, who hangs out at the library and is a member of the school book club??)! 

I am so grateful to have you in my life, my beautiful daughter. Thank you for being so wonderful. We love you so much. ❤️❤️❤️

Happy 17th Birthday xoxox

To My 2 Sons


Dear Sons,

  1. When a woman says no to sex, please respect that. You have no right to convince her to change her mind. No means no.
  2. Be kind to her.
  3. Be respectful to her.
  4. Don’t ever call her nasty names like “bitch”, “slut” and “whore”. In fact, don’t call any woman those names. 
  5. You shouldn’t have to shower her with money and gifts all the time, because if that’s all she asks for, then maybe she should find someone else who thinks that’s all it takes to have her.
  6. You know the saying “Bros before ho’s”? Yeah, that advice only applies to immature fools. Stand by your woman.
  7. Not all women are nice. If she’s not nice, walk away from her. But be a gentleman about it. Your happiness is important too.
  8. Never hit a woman. Ever.
  9. Never emotionally blackmail a woman.
  10. Never use money to control her.
  11. You can have lazy days. But don’t be a lazy person. 
  12. Treat her as your equal. You both bring your own strengths and weaknesses into a relationship.
  13. Don’t cheat on your woman. If you don’t love her anymore, at least respect her by breaking it off before seeing someone else.
  14. You see how your dad/stepdad treats me? Treat your woman like that. EXACTLY like that.
  15. I don’t care if your new girlfriend says she’s on the Pill. Use condoms. Protect each other.
  16. If you go to your girlfriend’s house, look for her parents and greet them. It’s called RESPECT.
  17. If you want to marry your woman, go to her parents first, and ask for their permission.
  18. I’ve raised you to do your chores. So don’t expect your woman to do it all.
  19. Make decisions together. 
  20. When you have children, be affectionate to their mother. Show them how much you appreciate and love her. Your children will learn from your actions and treat her the same. And in time, they will treat their other halves the same.
  21. If she is a stay at home mum, remember that her job is just as hard, if not harder, than yours. When you come home, she’s gonna want to talk. Let her talk, listen to her. 
  22. Cook occasionally. If you can’t cook, offer to buy take-out once in a while.
  23. Organize a date night (or lunch) with her regularly. Without the children. Hold her hand from across the table.
  24. When she’s had a child, her body will change. Respect it, her body went through unimaginable things to bring another human being into this world.
  25. Remember, when you’ve got your own family, your woman must now take first place. I’ll be here to support you, to love you unconditionally, but I will be stepping back from my role and let you be the man I’ve raised you to be.

How To Be The Perfect Mum


Feeling down? Demoralised? Feel like you’re the biggest failure? Well fear not, I have 10 very handy tips for you. 

So you’ve got dinner cooking on the stove, and your kids pull you away to play with them. An hour later, you smell something burning. Ah. Tip #1: Throw the burnt dinner out and get take away! And while you’re all eating dinner that someone else has cooked for you, you can talk to your kids about how much fun you had playing with them! 

You’ve organised for your mummy friends and their kids to come over for a play date. You suddenly notice your house looks like a bomb exploded in there. (It wasn’t like that all week, I swear!) Tip #2: Place all items you don’t want your friends to see into laundry baskets. Put them in the spare bedroom and shut the door. You can leave it in there for a few days to enjoy a neat and tidy house. And if you don’t need any of those items, you can just leave it the spare bedroom forever and ever and ever! 

Siblings fighting? Screaming at each other, fighting over toys? Tip #3: Take their toys off them and threaten to throw it in the bin “If you two don’t bloody learn how to share, then you’re both not playing with it, you little shits!” Then hide the toys in your spare bedroom wardrobe and give it back to them when they’ve moved out.  

You’re really tired, you’ve had a long day and need some peace and quiet. You’ve spent waaaaaaay too much time at the park today, at gymnastics, swimming (or whatever paid activity you’ve committed 12 months to and can’t cancel the contract because they’ll keep making you pay anyway, those bastards.) Tip #4: Let the kids watch TV or back-to-back YouTube videos for the next 3 hours. Or at least until bed time. 

Your teenagers have been arguing with you all afternoon. They’re questioning you everytime you say “No” to them. (The easy “No means no” doesn’t work anymore) Tip #5: Wait until they turn their backs on you, then give them the finger and silently mouth the words “Fuck you.” When they turn around again, give them a big, big smile because you know you just silently cussed at them. Therapeutic!

It’s dinner time. You’ve just tried a highly acclaimed recipe that is “toddler approved”, “a sure winner” and “two thumbs up” for kids. You wipe your sweat off your brow and nervously present it to your child like you’re a contestant on Masterchef. Your child takes one look at it and says “But I don’t like it” and starts crying. Tip #6: Don’t let it get you down. Either graciously put the food away and try again tomorrow or throw it in the bin and never try that recipe again. They can go hungry for the night! 

Your child comes home with a monster sized sculpture made out of recycled cereal boxes and egg cartons. Tip #7: Talk to them about it, get them to tell you what it is (because it’s NEVER what you guessed, EVER. “Is it a dinosaur?” “No Mum…. Can’t you see? It’s a Continuum Transfunctioner!”). Listen to how they put it all together, wait 2 hours, then throw it in the recycling bin. They won’t notice, I promise!

If your children hate getting dressed in the mornings to go to school Tip #8: Dress them in their school uniforms while they’re asleep. When they wake up the next morning… Voila, no fuss. Note: I wouldn’t recommend this on weekends. It may confuse everyone, including yourself. Ever taken your kids to school on a Saturday? It’s shut! 

Children won’t sleep? Tip #9: Turn off all the lights in the house. Every. Single. Light. They’ll get the idea, or they’ll bump into something and pass out. Problem solved. 

Still think those 9 tips aren’t enough? Here’s Tip #10: Learn to not give a shit about what other mums think of you. Because what someone else perceives as being perfect may not be perfect for you. And really, there’s NO SUCH THING AS A PERFECT MUM, except for you, of course. And you, and you and you. And me. Don’t give yourself any negative self-talk, never ever doubt yourself and start remembering that what YOU do is BEST for YOUR kids!!  

Lots of Love, 

A Perfect Mum

When My Little Girl Grew Up (And How I Traumatised Her)


For about a year, I never knew who would be walking out of that bedroom. Was it going to be Miss Sunshine? Or Miss Thunderstorm?

5 years ago, my eldest daughter who was nearly 13 at the time, I thought, was a little cray-cray. Everyone at home would be walking on egg shells, unsure of when the next thunderstorm would come.

This girl, in the span of a few years, had to deal with the ripple effect of her parents’ divorce, the hatred between both parents, learning to accept step parents… And approaching womanhood. Poor girl. She copped it all.

I knew this day would happen of course. But I didn’t anticipate it, all I thought was “God dammit, she’s going crazy!” She’d burst into tears at a drop of a hat. I’d say one thing but she’d interpret it differently. We’d have an awesome day with lots of laughs but then she’d break down at night. I was at my wits end. I felt guilty, angry, confused and mentally exhausted. What was I doing wrong? 

Then one day, she became a woman. We did a little dance, I hugged her so tight, I nearly suffocated her. So we did what women love to do. We went shopping! We shopped for hours. We celebrated this new milestone together.

We went to a cafe for a coffee. We put our shopping down, ordered our drinks and a slice of cake each. We were bonding, just us girls.

That’s when I decided to traumatise her. I took my phone out, and googled “STI” images. I showed her images of every sexually transmitted disease known to man (and woman). Poor 13 year old girl nearly spat her drink out – shocked, disgusted and grossed out. “Why are you showing this to me??? Aaaargh! Why, why, why??” I answered, “So you know if you ever, ever have sex, this is what will happen to you.” Ok, drastic, I know. But I’m pretty sure it worked.

She’s now nearly 17, beautiful natured, loving, caring and kind. I couldn’t have asked for a better teenage daughter.

So for those of you with daughters, make sure you celebrate the start of womanhood together. Make it special, your daughters have reached a new milestone.

Then BAM, scare the little bitches with images of gonorrhoea. Good luck and enjoy the crazy mood swings!!

It’s Mother’s Day, not Child-Free Day

So this is my very first blog post. And it’s Mother’s Day. What would prompt me to start my very own blog, unable to sleep last night, thinking of what to write? Well, it’s because I came across a Mother’s Day article on Facebook yesterday and I was, like, wait, WHAT? Some of the mums from school were also saying, “Urgh, all I want is a clean house and to be LEFT ALONE.”

But why?

Asking to have a clean house for a day doesn’t make any sense to me. Because on all the other days, did you forget that even after you’ve cleaned your house, your spawn would only mess it up 10 minutes later? Is there some special magnetic force field in your house every Mother’s Day that puts everything  back into place when moved? I’d rather have that EVERY OTHER DAY!

Asking to be left alone also doesn’t make any sense to me. It’s Mother’s Day. You’re a mother BECAUSE of your children. They’re all excited to make the day extra special for you, because let’s face it, on all the other days, they don’t really give a shit.

A friend said to me the other day that she doesn’t believe in celebrating Mother’s Day. “It should be Mother’s Day EVERYDAY.” she sighed. I know. I get it… almost of us really do not get the recognition for what we do everyday. Why should we? When we were at school, did we ever go up to our school teachers everyday and say, “Thank you for being such a great teacher, working hard to educate us! Would you like me to carry your books for you? You look like you need a hug, can I please give you a hug?” Nah, I didn’t think so. 

As I’m writing this post, my husband and teenagers are cooking up a big breakfast together. This is something that doesn’t happen, ever. Usually my husband, myself and our two toddlers have breakfast without the teenagers because they don’t normally get out of bed on the weekend unless they HAVE to (almost always when they’ve realized they’re hungry).

And this morning, they all got up and came into my bedroom with little presents. Yep, I got winter pyjamas and a pair of booties. I also got a lotto ticket and a scratchie (I won 20 bucks woooohooooo!) I love putting up collages of photos of my family up on our walls and so I also got a large photo frame. But what’s so thoughtful is the number of different ways my husband drew penises in the windows on the photo frame. I love drawing penises. He knows that. My husband is so amazing. But that’s for another post.

To all the mums out there, have a wonderful day today. I know you’re meant to be appreciated everyday but guess what, don’t be greedy, it just ain’t gonna happen. Hey, get your kids to be your slaves for a day. But don’t shut them out. That’s not very nice.

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My temporary collage of penises to be replaced by photos of my happy family