Breaking Patterns

Do you ever wonder why your heart always gets broken? Ever wonder why you can never find the right man, that every man you’ve been with has disappointed and hurt you?

I’d like you to look back at the type of men you’ve been looking for. Can you spot a pattern?

What was it that attracted you to the last guy that you were with? Maybe there was something quirky about him, or the line of work that he’s in? Or you liked that he didn’t quite “live by the rules”? So what happened in the end? Why did you guys break up?

Do you often wonder why your friends have strong and happy relationships? You might ask yourself, “Why can’t I find the kind of love that they have?”

It could be because you keep looking for the same type of men. You may not know it, you may think “He’s different.” But just how different is he really?

Compare your exes with the men that your friends are with – the ones that are in long term, happy and committed relationships. Study their personalities and their core beliefs between them. Compare how differently they react in times of stress, how they cope with their struggles and how they treat their partners.

Did you find that you were constantly having to make excuses for your ex partner’s behaviour to your friends and family? 

Sometimes people are so eager to find love and want to settle down, that they take what they can get. And then they get hurt again and again.

You could try and break that pattern. Because you know what you’ve settled for in the past HASN’T WORKED OUT FOR YOU.

Try going to different places to meet new people. Try meeting personalities that are different to the ones you’re used to meeting. Try different avenues in the dating world. Trust your friends when they tell you they’ve found the perfect guy for you.

You’d be surprised that some men who do not seem “exciting” or “interesting” at first, may end up being so later on – once they’re comfortable being around YOU.

List the traits that all your ex partners have in common (quite often they might even be perceived as positive traits to you). Memorize them, and remember – you have to break that pattern. If your heart has been broken more than a few times, you should now open your eyes to recognize those patterns straightaway.

You could also re-write a new list of what you are looking for in a man. It’s quite possible that the list you have right now, just isn’t compatible with your personality. 

You can change what you’re looking for in a man, without having to lower your standards. 


You could try and better yourself. Find new hobbies, join a gym or whatever makes you happy. Because when you’re happy, you’ll attract positive people.

We all know that there’s no perfect man out there. Nobody is perfect. Neither are you. But know in your heart what you’re willing to accept in a relationship. Know what you need out of a relationship. Be 100% sure of who you are, what you want and what behaviour you’re willing to accept from a man.

Having lots of excitement, spark and lust for each other at the beginning of a relationship usually lasts during the “honeymoon period”. Once that period subsides, a relationship also needs commitment, love and respect for each other. Your job is to look out for the type of men that can give you just that, way after that honeymoon period.

I did a little google search and found Helen Fisher’s Personality Test. Take the quiz and you might find out the right types of personalities that are more suited to who you are.

Do not keep looking for the same type of men, hoping to get a different result each time. 

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“I’m Not 100% Today”

Say these words out loud. “I’m not 100% today.” Say it out loud until you can hear it ring through your head. And when your husband, wife, friend or family member asks you if you’re ok, you’ll be able to say “I’m not 100% today.”

Sure, we must say positive affirmations over and over again. It’s so important we do that. “I’m beautiful!”, “I’m happy!”, “My life is GREAT!”, “I’m going to beat all my challenges today!”

But you know what? Some days are just SHIT. You’ve woken up with a heavy heart and you don’t know why. You can’t shake it off, you can’t look in the mirror and put a fake smile on to face the world. 

And that’s ok. 

But don’t hide your feelings because they’ll fester for days. Tell someone, as soon as you feel it. Don’t pretend and say “Yeah I’m ok.”, or “I’m fine.” There’s no need for that. Be honest. 

My husband was annoyed a few weeks ago. I kept asking him what was wrong and he kept saying “Everything’s fine.” But I knew he wasn’t. He was quiet and a little tense. A few days later, we had a long talk about how angry he was over a certain issue. “Why didn’t you tell me straight away? Why wait this long, until you’re so angry?”, was my response to him. We’ve talked about it and have decided that we are going to try and voice our unhappiness immediately (but gently of course).

The other day, I woke up feeling unhappy. No reason. I was just unhappy. I knew I was going to be snappy. I was quiet and prickly. 

But I did what I’ve never really done before. I spoke up about my true feelings straight away. We’d already had breakfast and I crawled back into bed. He came into our bedroom and I looked up at him and said, “I’m not 100% today. I don’t know why, but I just am.” 

And he heard me. 

All day, he came up and cuddled me. Kissed me. Hugged me. No words, no questions asked, no solutions offered. Just pure love and affection. And I could feel, within a couple of hours, I was back to my happy self again. 

Because I felt loved. 

Don’t be afraid to say how you feel, don’t try and be brave and say “It’s all ok”. You don’t have to yell it out or scream. You can just say these simple words “I’m not 100% today.” This could be something you could talk to your partner about now, to let them know that when you feel this way sometimes, is to just give much needed attention and affection, or whatever you think will help lift your spirits. 

Head over to my other blog titled #MyRescuePlan for more help with your bad days. 

Is Happiness Really The Best Revenge?

They say “Happiness is the best revenge”. But after a certain point, I wonder, does the pursuit of revenge make one truly happy?

I’m writing from the point of being divorced about 7 years ago. Then I remarried and had another couple of kids. When I got divorced, my depression spiraled to the depths of hell. The property settlement and child custody battle with my ex husband took a bashing on my mental health. Then I read somewhere that the best revenge was to be happy. To appear happy was the best I could come up with at the start.

After years of working on my own mental health, I learnt that showing my ex husband that I was happy, wasn’t actually making me happy at all. It felt like a competition in my own head that I had to make sure he knew how great my life was. I had to make sure I did everything I could to outdo his own happiness. And the competition was draining.

Of course, I wasn’t exactly pretending. My life – since I left him, really is great. I’m married to a man that is amazing. I couldn’t ask for a better man, husband, father and step father to our children. But somehow, I still kinda wanted my ex husband to know that I was doing fantastic – without him.

When you see children playing at the park with their best friends, you see pure happiness in their faces. They don’t try and pretend to be happy in order for their other friends to think they’re happy. They’re just happy.

That’s when I realized how silly I was.

Did my ex husband care about my current happiness? Probably, most likely – No. So why was I trying to prove something that didn’t need proving?

So over the last 4-5 years, I decided to just be happy. For me. I worked on myself. I still continually find ways to make my life better, to learn to be comfortable with who I am. To concentrate on my own happiness, which led to everything else pretty much falling into place.

Revenge became irrelevant to me. Revenge put a negative slant to my own pursuit of happiness. The need for revenge made my ex still part of my life. And so I decided that revenge, isn’t for me.

And dare I say… I’m even happy for my ex. I’m happy he has a family and new additions as well. 

So “Is happiness really the best revenge”? It may work at the beginning, when you’re still angry… And being angry… is not being happy. You don’t see truly happy people going out seeking revenge. But you can fake it til you make it.

Don’t forget to actually work towards your own happiness and inner peace. Once that is achieved, revenge is no longer relevant, nor will it be in the forefront of your mind.

Pursue happiness for YOU. 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Christmas Rescue Plan

5 more sleeps til Christmas.

To many, it’s a joyous occasion and they can’t wait to spend the day opening presents with their family and their loved ones. Spending time with people they love and care about, and an opportunity to catch up with people they don’t get to see very often.

To some, it can be a very anxious time of the year. You may feel like you have to spend the day with people that are negative or are quite toxic to you and your family. Maybe some of them have made it very clear to you that they “just don’t like you”. Some of you may feel like you haven’t got a choice, you’ve got to just suck it up and play “happy families” with everyone on this one day that is meant to be happy and joyous. Some of you may have decided that this is the year you’re going to “do our own thing”.

Either way, don’t forget to protect your own sanity, your own safe space in your head. Choose what you want to do on that day, choose to make that decision where you’re not going to let certain people get to you and how you are going to react to those people.

It is not them that is going to affect your version of Christmas Day. It is YOUR reaction that will affect it. Keep calm and enjoy the day the best way you can. Come up with #myrescueplan, think about how you’re going to deal with difficult people – in a positive manner for YOU. Think about it NOW, before Christmas Day, so you don’t react in a negative way at the last minute. Or they will win, by ruining YOUR day. Protect yourself and your family. And find a way to enjoy this day.

 

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Exercising Makes You Feel Better!

The other day I said I’ve started to do something about my weight. I love love love food. Cheese, fried chicken, noodles, rice, curries etc. I cringe at the thought of eating anything that resembles healthy-eating. “I’m not eating rabbit food.” – is my normal go to excuse. I’m not a big drinker, but I’m a big eater.

So what’s the other alternative? I’ve started exercising. I used to say to everyone that I exercise “solo”. I’d put on my headphones and go for a run. I used to love it so much. Just being on my own. But over the last few years I lack the motivation and the time or time management skills to actually get out of the house to go for a run on my own. Family came first. Then cooking meals or catching up with friends for coffee was waaaay more important. Oh and joining the gym is just financially not possible.

Then the weight piled on. I went off my meds, hated my body etc etc

One day my friend Kerry asked to join her for a 30 min exercise class at the park. It was fantastic, I was sore for days. So I put on my personal FB page “Who wants to train with me? It’s only for 30 mins!” And I was so happy that quite of few of them said YES!

The moral of the story is, it’s so much better exercising in a group, especially if it’s with your fellow sisters. ASK your friends to do this with you, and if they do, EVERYBODY WINS. It’s sociable, great for your mental health and you get to lose weight.

Look for exercise groups in your local area. Then drag a friend or a group of friends with you. Our trainer charges us $5 per session and it’s only for 30mins (for a high intensity work out). We take our kids with us and they play together while the mums work out. You might even make new friends.

And remember, ACTIVE WEAR IS OPTIONAL 😂 T-shirt and shorts is fine. Nobody actually needs fancy active wear to exercise.

Today’s session, someone said, “Oops I peed a little” and we all burst into giggles. Our trainer nearly swallowed a fly and we all cracked up.

Take the first step. Ask your friends. I did. I had a shit day yesterday. But I feel great today. Let’s motivate each other ❤️ One day at a time ❤️

 

#MyRescuePlan

So Adam and I talked about having a “rescue plan”.

I’ve been on and off my meds for a few years. Every time I went off them, I had no real plan to deal with the aftereffects and the withdrawals. I would wait for the side effects to happen and then the meltdowns. I can handle the physical effects (head zaps and wobbles) but the mental ones were really hard. I didn’t know how to cope, and Adam didn’t either.

We talked about it last night, about how to deal with these uncontrollable meltdowns – when my state of mind is all hazy and messy and all over the place. When I’m like that, nothing Adam could say would help me. So I came up with a plan. A “rescue plan”. For days like I had a few days ago.

The plan is for Adam to first recognise the signs. Then this:

Don’t offer solutions
Don’t say only I can fix this
Don’t remind me it’s my depression (because I already know that)
Don’t tell me to “calm down”
Don’t be defensive – It’s not about you

INSTEAD

Be soft with me
Tell me you “get it”, you understand
Let me ramble, even if you don’t know what I’m rambling on about
Hold me tight while I cry
Kiss me
Stroke my hair
Offer to take me out for a meal, just the two of us
Go for a walk with me, hold my hand or put your arm around me
Tell me you love me ❤️

Please remember I’m not telling anyone to go off their meds if it’s working for them. This post is for anyone who ISN’T on their meds. This doesn’t have to be targeted to husbands only. This could be for partners, parents, friends who are here to support you. Come up with your own “rescue plan” and the plans can ALWAYS be changed and altered ❤️

Please please please share 🙏🏼

#myrescueplan #postnataldepression #awareness

I Screamed At My Husband and He Didn’t Deserve It

I screamed at my husband on the phone this morning. He didn’t deserve it.

As some of you may know, I’ve come off my meds. It’s been about 2 months now that I’ve been completely off them. Most days I can handle. And when they’re really good, I keep thinking I should put up a positive blog on here to let everyone know that it’s all good. But I didn’t because I didn’t want to jinx it.

Last couple of weeks have been hectic and quite the strain on me emotionally and physically. More so emotionally. I’m letting idiots get to me. I’m letting people from every part of my life get to me. I’ve allowed people I don’t even really care about get into my head.

My kids are driving me crazy. Both toddlers and teenagers. The younger ones broke one of my favourite Christmas bells that I’ve had for 15 years. When I got home from work last night I found about a hundred (ok maybe less) sultanas all over the living room floor. And then I couldn’t find Miss 4’s school uniform, so I had to turn the house upside down. I can never seem to find anything in MY OWN HOUSE.

And the tears. The tears keep flowing.

I go to bed every night planning the next day and nothing goes to plan. Other shit keeps coming up because I can’t say no.

It’s end of the school year and I see everyone all organised with gifts for teachers. I haven’t even started and it’s the last week of school.

There is so much more but if I listed every single thing, my words would seem hazy and messy.

Last two nights at work have been mentally draining. So I let out a rant on my personal FB page about feeling so burnt out. I got so many messages from friends asking if I was ok and lending me support. So I quickly deleted that post. Last thing I’d ever want is for my friends to roll their eyeballs thinking I was being dramatic or attention seeking.

Then this morning I got a message from one of my friends, who opened up to me and was so honest in how he feels about his life. He said his life feels like it’s “wash, rinse, repeat”, and it annoys the shit out of him. Then he went on to give me the best advice “You’re a ripper Sharon. You’re a good person and the people around you enjoy your company. That’s a bloody good start. Take a small problem and make it go away, then work on the next one.”

I dropped Miss 4 off to school and went to Coles. Sat in the car for ages and stared out the window. Is it still postnatal depression? My youngest is now 3. How long is this supposed to last? Or is it no longer PND? Is it something else? Is it just “regular” depression? OR is my life just too busy?

I rang my husband on the phone in the car. I started off silent because I was all choked up. We talked about how I’m feeling. And as I’m telling him, I know those things are nothing in the grand scheme of things. But I couldn’t quite articulate it as well as I can write it. So it sounds like everything is shit. But it’s not. I don’t remember the whole conversation but it ended up with me screaming. I don’t even know what I screamed about.

I came home from Coles and there he was, Adam pulling up into the driveway. We had the same conversation in the kitchen. Everything he said or asked me, I took offense to. Naturally, he’s at a loss. I started crying again and told him it’s better if he left.

How do I explain to someone that it’s “not you, it’s me”? It’s not the untidy house, not the usual stress that we all go through, not anything that can actually be fixed. It’s my STATE OF MIND. It’s all over the place. Ask me what’s wrong and I can rattle off a list of things that’s pissing me off but I know every single thing on that list can be fixed. So what else is it?

How do I fix my mind though? Exercise? Straight jacket? Meditation? Medication? Probably. But right now, I’m just expressing my raw honesty of what’s going through my head. And the honest truth is, I don’t know what the hell is going on.

I’m okay though, really I am. I’m not suicidal (but possibly just a tad homicidal), I still love my husband and kids with every cell in my body. I don’t want any of my friends to come up to me and feel sorry for me, or even worse, see me as someone that needs fixing. If they try to fix me, I’ll probably fix their face with my fist.

Adam, I’m sorry. And thank you for coming home and I’m sorry for today. I appreciate your love and your patience. Don’t know where I’d be without you, I love you so so so much.

Friends who have sent me messages and the big warm hug I got from one of the most awesome friends I’ve got, thank you.

My state of mind right now, is all fucked up but I know I can fix this 💪🏼

Mr 3 has fallen asleep in my arms and there’s no better feeling than this. Look at that squishy face.