How To Be The Perfect Mum


Feeling down? Demoralised? Feel like you’re the biggest failure? Well fear not, I have 10 very handy tips for you. 

So you’ve got dinner cooking on the stove, and your kids pull you away to play with them. An hour later, you smell something burning. Ah. Tip #1: Throw the burnt dinner out and get take away! And while you’re all eating dinner that someone else has cooked for you, you can talk to your kids about how much fun you had playing with them! 

You’ve organised for your mummy friends and their kids to come over for a play date. You suddenly notice your house looks like a bomb exploded in there. (It wasn’t like that all week, I swear!) Tip #2: Place all items you don’t want your friends to see into laundry baskets. Put them in the spare bedroom and shut the door. You can leave it in there for a few days to enjoy a neat and tidy house. And if you don’t need any of those items, you can just leave it the spare bedroom forever and ever and ever! 

Siblings fighting? Screaming at each other, fighting over toys? Tip #3: Take their toys off them and threaten to throw it in the bin “If you two don’t bloody learn how to share, then you’re both not playing with it, you little shits!” Then hide the toys in your spare bedroom wardrobe and give it back to them when they’ve moved out.  

You’re really tired, you’ve had a long day and need some peace and quiet. You’ve spent waaaaaaay too much time at the park today, at gymnastics, swimming (or whatever paid activity you’ve committed 12 months to and can’t cancel the contract because they’ll keep making you pay anyway, those bastards.) Tip #4: Let the kids watch TV or back-to-back YouTube videos for the next 3 hours. Or at least until bed time. 

Your teenagers have been arguing with you all afternoon. They’re questioning you everytime you say “No” to them. (The easy “No means no” doesn’t work anymore) Tip #5: Wait until they turn their backs on you, then give them the finger and silently mouth the words “Fuck you.” When they turn around again, give them a big, big smile because you know you just silently cussed at them. Therapeutic!

It’s dinner time. You’ve just tried a highly acclaimed recipe that is “toddler approved”, “a sure winner” and “two thumbs up” for kids. You wipe your sweat off your brow and nervously present it to your child like you’re a contestant on Masterchef. Your child takes one look at it and says “But I don’t like it” and starts crying. Tip #6: Don’t let it get you down. Either graciously put the food away and try again tomorrow or throw it in the bin and never try that recipe again. They can go hungry for the night! 

Your child comes home with a monster sized sculpture made out of recycled cereal boxes and egg cartons. Tip #7: Talk to them about it, get them to tell you what it is (because it’s NEVER what you guessed, EVER. “Is it a dinosaur?” “No Mum…. Can’t you see? It’s a Continuum Transfunctioner!”). Listen to how they put it all together, wait 2 hours, then throw it in the recycling bin. They won’t notice, I promise!

If your children hate getting dressed in the mornings to go to school Tip #8: Dress them in their school uniforms while they’re asleep. When they wake up the next morning… Voila, no fuss. Note: I wouldn’t recommend this on weekends. It may confuse everyone, including yourself. Ever taken your kids to school on a Saturday? It’s shut! 

Children won’t sleep? Tip #9: Turn off all the lights in the house. Every. Single. Light. They’ll get the idea, or they’ll bump into something and pass out. Problem solved. 

Still think those 9 tips aren’t enough? Here’s Tip #10: Learn to not give a shit about what other mums think of you. Because what someone else perceives as being perfect may not be perfect for you. And really, there’s NO SUCH THING AS A PERFECT MUM, except for you, of course. And you, and you and you. And me. Don’t give yourself any negative self-talk, never ever doubt yourself and start remembering that what YOU do is BEST for YOUR kids!!  

Lots of Love, 

A Perfect Mum

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