This used to be my everyday self. I’m thankful I’m no longer this way.
Today, I’m fed up with the world. I woke up feeling more than just bleh.
It took me forever to roll out of bed. Had something upset me the night before? Did I have a nightmare? Did someone say something to me and played on my subconscious mind?
I am having trouble pinpointing what it is I’m feeling. Am I angry? Hurt? Upset? Fearful? Anxious? I feel a bit lost today. I feel like I’ve lost my mojo. I thought I had a pretty good day yesterday.
My thoughts are scattered. I am having trouble holding a single thought down for longer than 10 seconds. The phone rings and I jump. A friend has rung to catch up for a coffee, but I told her I was sorry, I wasn’t feeling too well. Did I sound rude on the phone? I hope she doesn’t think I was upset with her.
I walk around the house aimlessly. There’s heaps of things I have to do but want to do none. Where would I start anyway? Tears well up in my eyes. I blink them away. Don’t be silly, what in the world are you upset about?
My kids talk to me and all I can manage is to hold it together and stare at them blankly. Don’t cry. Not now. Oh no, they look worried again.
I sit on the couch and turn the TV on. I flick from channel to channel but can’t decide on anything. I realise I’ve been sitting on the couch for the last 2 hours. Turn TV off.
And then I cry. I cry and cry and cry. I cry for the next 20 minutes. I wash my face, and tell myself “I’m never going to be happy. I’m never going to know what happiness feels like.”